I Miss My Mom

I woke up in aguish, hurting, heated, and helpless. I can't move my body without a grimise and when I try to speak, all that comes out of my mouth is a sound less like a human voice and more like an old American car trying to kick over in sub-zero temperatures. I had the flu. The god-damn flu. For the first time since living on my own, on the opposite side of the country from where I was born, I was struck with my first hard-hitting illness.
I lack many things in my quaint apartment. Good air circulation, consistent running water, and a fully functional toilet to name a few. Those things you learn to live with on a daily basis. But in for an occasion like this, there are some other things I lack which add difficulty to the situation. Some of those things are: a thermometer, adequate medicine, and health insurance. Now some people would consider such things as being "essentials", but I would disagree. The essential thing I was missing, the thing that puts the before mentioned to shame, is not a pill or testing device. It does not come with a stethoscope or tounge depressor. It is an orignal, a one of a kind that is unique to each and every one of us..... mom.
I call out from my bed, "ugh, I'm sick!"... no reply. No door opening followed by quick footsteps coming down the hall, just silence. It's then I realized "she's not coming". Without mom, being sick is truly BEING SICK. When you have to take care of yourself and be the lone responsible person to get your body back to health, being sick is ten times as miserable, But, when you have mom, being sick, is being on vacation!
First off, you dont have to go to school. You're in bed or on the couch, laid out, blanket over you and the tv on. She comes to your side non-stop, "need cold towel?", "need another stuffed-animal?", "sure you're warm enough?". I laid in bed, staring at the ceiling. "Maybe I should get up and drink some water", I thought. Water! Ingenious! She always preached fluids! Ok, we're on to something here, I have to get to fluids. Now tap water didn't sound so exciting so what did mom usually do.
"Ok sweetie, I'm going to run to the store and buy you some drinks, gatorade, ginger ale, hawiian punch, all your favorites." Ooooo those sweet sounds. Mom heads out the door and I put my hands behind my head because kid, you're on easy street. Sure you have a fever, sure everytime you swollow it feels like a cheesegrater is going down your throat, who cares! The other kids are at school and I'm patient for the day (hopefully days if the fever can hang in there for me) Hurry back mom, I'm thirsty! Hmm, maybe I'll sneak a nap in between these Saved By The Bell re-runs.....
Ugh, ok, so she went to the store to stock up, great. I get up, throw on my Ithaca hooded sweatshirt and grab the first unclean pair of cargo shorts I can find. It's off to "Ralphs" for me, the grocery store that would supply me on my quest. I go up and down the aisles, eyes watery, head pounding, and sweat forming on the brow. I have 5 gallons of gatorade, Advil Cold and sinus, and six cans of chicken soup, not the good kind, the Ralphs brand that's 3 for 2.00 . I stumble towards the express lane, hoping the nice little hispanic lady can scan my groceries before the legs give out and I soak through my under shirt. I scan the debit card, punch in the pin and head for the car. Where was mom?
"I'm home, I bet my little guy is thirsty". She is right, she always is. Green gatorade is the first to come my way and it's so refreshing when it hits my lips. The fever instantly shudders sending chills through my body and forcing me to bundle up under the blankets. Mom sees it coming "oh here's another blanket for your chills, stay warm sweetie".
Jesus, I can't stop shaking. It never was this bad, was it? I laid in bed chugging my gatorade that wasn't even cold yet because no one keeps beverages cold anymore! The fever is pissed, it wants non of this, I toss, I turn, I'm hot and shed blankets, I'm freezing I pull them back on. Is it possible to shiver to death? How long would my body lay here?
"Want a cold pop-sicle for that throat?" Oh I am in heaven. Mmmm, cherry, my favorite. Is this lady the best or what? "I'm stirring some soup for you right now, I'll bring it over soon." First pop-sicle, now soup? Oh look, "The Goonies" is on HBO next! Time to get comfortable, our next two hours are planned and the tylenol is kicking in just in time!
These glands are like baseballs! I don't think they have ever been this swollen. I should have bought some pop-sicles, I'm an idiot. How do you get sick like this in California! It's sunny outside right now, 70 degrees! My head, dear god my head is throbbing like I just sat though church. I have satellite tv, 800 channels of "nothing is on"! Can I get a break here!
"Did you enjoy your nap honey?" Well yes, yes I did, I guess I must have dozed off while nestled up in my fortress of heaven. I love those people waving me with palms. I guess the nice hot soup put me right into a slumber. "Here you go, some more tylenol to keep that fever down, it's been exactly four hours since you took it last". This lady is an angel, there is no reason for me to ever be healthy again.
Oh these chills, when will they stop! Can I take more pills yet? Where are the directions... every four hours? When the hell did I take the first ones? Shit! I wasn't paying attention, if I take them to close together my heart my give out! You're done Keith, you are done. I was in ruin. I saw no light at the end of the tunnel, then, nightfall hit.
"Now I'll be sleeping right here next to your bed if you need me". What a lady, not even going to leave my side! What a comfort........ I'm so cold, so very cold mom. "Oh your fever is shooting up again, let's get you in a warm bath" Oh what a relief, hot springs of the gods! A nice warm bath , change of clothes, and back in bed. Night time medicine working wonders.
3AM.... shaking uncontrollably. An hour goes by, still shaking. I get up and head for the bathroom and begin filling the tub. Before getting in I decided to relieve myself of a full bladder. The shacking hasn't stopped, I have no control, I can't keep my hand steady. It goes everywhere. Up, down, left, right, it covers the compass. What a mess. Half-hour in the tub and back to bed. I tossed and turned all night, sleep was hard to come by.
"did you get good rest, here's an english muffin with peanut butter, I think you still have a little fever, better keep you home one more day..." She is a godsend, I love her, I will never leave her.
11am. Ugh, I still can't move. I have worsened. Should I go to the Dr's? Can't do that, no insurance, would cost a week of pay. Speaking of pay, gonna miss another day of work, they don't pay me for sick days. This sucks. Plain old sucks. I can't stand all these little kids running around the complex chasing eachother with play machine guns. Why is the Armanien couple arguing this morning, don't they work? Where is my peace, where is my health, where is my mom?

I eventually did kick the flue. It hit me tuesday night, I felt better by saturday afternoon. As much as I missed my mom, and I know it frustrates her that she can't help my anymore, her methods of care were lessons to me that I still rememeber and use today. Only now do I realize how lucky I was to have such a person who was so devoted to my well being. I frequently miss her but was reminded of how much so when I fell ill this past week. I delt with myself, this one time since moving out on my own. She went through it with three kids, each of who fell ill multiple times a year, none more than me. I was always the first one sick, a frequent hospital resident. Even laid up in a hospital bed she would never leave my side. Being sick made me think of all this as I laid in my bed hating my existence. I thought about how blessed I was to be the son of such a special lady. Thanks mom, for teaching, for healing, and for loving.... I love you....
...... now, how do I get a "mom" figure to wait on hand and foot now that I'm an adult?....... hmmm.... I hear wedding bells!

Pat Coleman: Anti-Ithaca, Anti-Freedom, Anti-American

Over the past year I have had the distinct honor and priviledge to be a contributing author to the Division III football.com message board (www.d3football.com). Within the site is a board specifically for the conference to which Ithaca College belongs. It is there I would mix it up with other kids from rival schools as well as talk with other Ithaca alumni who were on the board. It was a place for trash talk, a place for predictions, a place for the die hard fan to make the week leading up to the big game a little more interesting. But, like all good things, it has come to an end for me. A dark presence has taken control of the message board, a tyrant of sorts that seeks ultimate control over words and information. A no doubt Stalinist, who has a hard time coming to grips with the fall of the Soviet Union and Iraq. A man named, Pat Coleman.

Pat Coleman is the Chief architect of D3football.com and he often weighs in on the particular issue being discussed on the message board. He is more a giver of stats than opinion as he attempts to remain neutral when it comes to board discussion. But is he neutral? I use to think so. Then Mr. Coleman got quite defensive when people on the board accused him of being "Ithaca bias". That's when the dark side of Coleman was revealed to us.

Shortly after that time he began removing posts of mine from the message board, saying they were vulgar and irrelevant. My first amendment right had been stripped. Another "Jim Crow" stood before me trying to take away what was rightfully mine. The same kind of man that would call for the extermination of particular ethnic group. To have my hard earned creativity pulled from public view by this vicious being was hard to endure. I began to play ball, to be more "civil", I drank from the other drinking fountain, I sat in the back of the bus. Then, the unthinkable happened.

A member of the RPI student body wrote a post referring to the blizzard game Ithaca and RPI played 2 years ago. In the post, this student had the nerve to say something to the effect of "there was a lot of snowballing going on at the game, and we all know how those Ithaca guys enjoy 'snowballing'". For those who aren't familiar with the term "snowballing", allow me to present you with a dictionary's definition: "a human sexual practice in which one person takes into his or her mouth the semen of another person, and then 'swaps' it back and forth with another person through kissing or spitting." (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snowballing_(sexual_practice) I was appalled, I thought maybe Pat Coleman hadn't seen the post yet and that's why it was still up. Then, hour after hour went by and the post remained. One of posts of mine that was removed was because I said the #'s in a particular St. John Fisher fan's username symbolized the jersey #'s of the guys on the team he had "enjoyed". I felt this comment by the RPI fan was, at the very least, just as bad. Mr. Coleman disagreed. He claimed to not know why the "snowballing" was offensive. When someone presented him with the definition, he said, that's not the definition I have. Pat Coleman was turning a blind eye to this anti-Ithaca sentiment. Much like many German citizens ignored what was happening to people in their country that were being rounded up and taken away on trains. I was outraged.

I wrote a lengthy post calling out Pat Coleman for his refusal to address the post. It was after that rant that I was forever banished from the entire d3football.com post board. Never again would I be allowed the freedom of expression on the fan forum, the Emperor had exiled me. Why? That is the question. What is Pat Coleman hiding? What skeletons are in the closet? What insecurities lead him to such ruthless enforcement? Well, let's dig deep into the person that is Patrick Coleman.

Patrick Coleman, a good Irish-catholic name if you ever heard one. (see pat: http://www.d3football.com/about.php) That's probably why the man has always had a devotion to Catholism. As a young man, we have to believe that Pat moved through the ranks of Catholic schooling, developing a sound sense of morality that would carry him through life. It is from such an education we can probably attribute Pat's desire to keep his message board "clean". I have no doubts that, if he had the ability, there would be many times he would have taken a ruler to my hand. (Think scene in "The Blues Brothers" where Jake and Elwood misbehave in the presence of the nun)

When time to pick a college, it was a no brainer. Pat would not dare enroll in a University that was state funded or non-religious private school, oh no, that would leave him exposed to the sinful side of society, the evil that is found in bars, clubs, and frat houses. There was only one place for Pat, THE Catholic University.

Pat was a proud member of the Class of 1994. What did he major in do you ask? Well, as an employee of Sports Weekly, and creator of D3hoops.com and D3football.com , it's obvious isn't it? Or is it? Pat left Catholic with a degree in "Spanish for International Service". Not quite what you would think from a "sports expert". What does someone do with Pat's degree? Well, I would guess it's a "churched up" way of saying that Pat was ready to be a missionary. Ready to spread the gospel to people in Central and South America! Hope aboard Brother Pat's traveling salvation show! Pack up the babies and grab the old ladies, let EVERYONE know! (thanks Neil Diamond) So naturally, Pat found his way from that into the Sports Information department of Catholic. Apparently the mission fields were not Pat's true calling.

Pat Coleman is an original. He knew if he went off to spread God's word in 3rd world countries he would be just another member of Christ's army. There's thousands of people spreading the gospel, why do something so many people are already doing. Pat wanted to do something no one else was doing, he wanted to make a name for himself by taking on a field where he could be revolutionary. Pursue miracles of medicine? Nope. Design architecture that will change how we scape the world? Nope. Discover a cheap, clean alternative to gasoline? Not a chance. Pat wanted to do something that would put him on the map, something that would reserve his place in the great scrolls as one of the most influential people in America's history. It was so clear to him, maybe an angel from on high came down to him..... Pat Coleman was going to bring division III athletics to the internet.

Soon on the world wide web appeared D3hoops.com as did d3football.com. In the years that would follow these two sites would grow by leaps and bounds. As time passed more and more users logged on to see what was happening with their respected teams and competitors. Pat was a success. He had done what no one else had. While stupid companies like "ESPN", "FOX", and "CBS" focused on division IA, Pat dug deeper. He defied the media conglomerates and approached his sites with a "little engine that could" philosophy. By this time Pat is "Operations Chief" at Sports Weekly and though that may have been his day job, his babies were the online sites. Soon Pat would find himself being interviewed on such programs as ESPNews and with such exciting opportunities came the harsh realization that his appearance was better suited for radio.

You see, that's what always hurt. Pat didn't want to be known as a nerdy, do-good, catholic boy. He may have been terrorized by non-catholic athletes as a child. Kids who didn't have to hold themselves to the "no birth control" standard that he did. Pat wanted to show the world that people like him CAN be cool, hip, and happening. It just didn't take and as the popularity of his site grew, Pat developed an iron fist when it came to schools that didn't have religious ties. Schools like Ithaca College that have won 3 Nat'l Championships without a single hail mary, on or off the field. He took up arms against the bigger, more successful schools in hopes of protecting smaller schools like Catholic, Marymount (for whom he also worked), and St. John Fisher.

And that brings us up to date, with my banishment. You see friends, Pat Coleman never went to the mission fields, he never took a perfectly happy Hispanic person and forced his religion on him. But, he found his crusade. A crusade not against sin, but something just as evil and imposing... bigger, more successful, non-catholic, Division III institutions. More specifically, the students and alumni that represent those schools on HIS message board, HIS creation, HIS baby. That is why I was banished, that is why more like me will continue to be banished. Pat Coleman, like so many in our government, cannot separate church and state. Each week more civil liberties are stripped from the posters of D3football.com and with it, their voice to protest. Luckily there's another amendment. The right to bear arms. The right to have another outlet in which to write and strike down this tyrant. A single hope, that readers and posters will gaze away from the fear that grips their message board and look at this document of truth and enlightenment. I may not be able to rally troops on the message board, but my message itself is strong and resolute. I will not back down, I will not hide, I will not be afraid of a man who casts stones and lives in a glass house. Pat Coleman, your mask has been removed, I've pulled back the curtain and shown the world that Oz is not some large intimidating force, but a 35 year old man in glasses who lives in Washington DC with 3 kids and a wife named Cate. I am a victim of Pat's pursuit of being someone he could never be, I make that sacrifice for my fellow bombers. Pat Coleman's attack will be his ultimate defeat. Pat Coleman and Cortland University are now looked at with equal disregard. The battle has begun.......

“This is obviously a labor of love. I think that Division III athletics are college sports at its best and it needs more attention. And at D3Football.com, that is what we try to do.” – Pat Coleman, Publisher/Editor, D3Football.com

.......... sure you do Pat, suuuuuure you do.... you don't fool us anymore....

Don't like what you hear about Pat Coleman, voice you concerns at his Sports Weekly contact # of 703-854-5313

I'm Ready For Some Football

Finally, the NFL preseason is upon us. This year, it came just in time for me. The mets are beginning their annual disappearing act from the playoff picture thus, I'm spending more time at the local saloon in hopes of finding something better. Well friends, that something better is the 2005 football season. Yes, I am a Buffalo Bills fan, which does lend itself to frequent heartache and indigestion (I'm a regular Pepcid AC user from Sept. to Jan.). However, this season I'm feeling optomistic about my teams chances and so should all of you.

The NFL has been the best spectator sport over the past decade and seems to get better every year. With each season brings an unparralled amount of question marks as to who the big winners will be. Every team has a shot, every week any team can win. It has been tough on us gamblers, but rewarding for cities all over the country. Unlike baseball where every year we know the Red Sox and Yankees will be the focal point of the October post-season, the Brewers will suck, Cubs fans will think "this is the year" until May, people will look at the Blue Jays and say "oh yeah, I forgot we had a team in Canada", and of course the city of Detroit can expect more homicides than home runs. You just don't know which teams will rise and which will fall. Last year the San Diego Chargers had a record of 13-3, the previous year, 3-13. That's just one of many examples.

So since your pumped for the season, you went out and bought the new jerseys and have TIVO-ed the preseason broadcasts on the NFL Network, I'm going to tell you how to have a successful sunday afternoon of football. I will also give warnings as to what you should avoid if you want to make it through the day and elude a monday morning "football hangover". I will also break it down for each coast, since west coast preparation and how you sustain, is very different than east coast. Here we go........

East Coast : The Night Before

You're the lucky ones. The game doesn't come early for you. You can expect the first batch of games to kick-off around 1:05pm so you can go out and get rowdy in anticipation of tomorrow's big day. However, there are some guidlines we need to discuss..

1) DO NOT MIX YOUR ALCOHOL:
I know, you're a tough guy, aren't we all. But save yourself the trouble and do not be drinking the "three wisemen" all night. If you end up sick the whole next day you won't be able to see the games when your face is in a toilet and you won't be able to indulge in the cornicopia of food that will be at your finger tips if your stomach is in reverse mode. Drinking beer? Stick with it, that's the best plan. Drinking liquor? Enjoy but don't get nuts it's costly on your head. Drinking Wine? You're gay and don't watch football anyways so do whatever you want...(not that there's anything wrong with that)

2) DO NOT, under any circumstances, SPEND THE NIGHT WITH A LADY:
Yeah, you felt the chemistry all night and things are heating up. Or, the lights are on, bar is closing and she's the last ditch effort on the way out of the bar. Both are fine, but do not go down a road that will have you sleeping over. If you're going to the girls place, make sure someone can get your car there so you can drive after the "activities" have ceased and you've sobered up, or have a friend on call to come back for you. If you sleep over you run the risk of no alarm being set and you don't get to the designated football house of the week on time. Or maybe she wants some morning sex, in which it's very easy to lose track of time. Just don't do it. Committ the dead, then get on your steed. AND certainly do not invite her back to your place because the only thing harder than escaping, is politely kicking out. If she's a long sleeper you could be in for real trouble, especially if all the guys are coming to your place for the game. You do not want her wandering out of the room into a family room of guys, you do not want to have to put on your "love face" in front of that crowd... they will hurt your feelings all day.

East Coast - Sunday Morning

If they're in a groove they could go right through kick-off and eat up most of the first quarter, is your

1) Do not even consider Church:
First of all, you're just going to feel guilty after the stunts you pulled the night before. You don't want to sit in a pue smelling like smoke, booze, and intercourse. Second of all, you never know how long these Priests and Preachers are going to go. If they're in a groove they could go right through kick-off and eat up most of the first quarter, and really, is your soul really that important for you to risk missing the start of the game? And come on, if there is a God, you're telling me he isn't a football fan, I mean honestly. Plus, you have other things you need to concentrate on that morning...

2) Up by 11:00 am:
That's plenty of time to sleep in, especially in comparison for how early you get up for work/class during the week. When you get up, drink lots of water, you need to get your body working because you're about to attack it with the most damaging foods known to man. Have a very, very light breakfast. My uncle Darren had a sunday routine of one McDonalds breakfast burrito. Something like that is small and good for a hang-over.

3) Turn on ESPN:
As soon as you wake (or whenever 11 comes around for you early birds) put on ESPN and allow Berman and the boys to get your day started right. With 2 hours of pregame you won't get more info any where else. Once you get the headlines and important news, head right for the computer....

4) Set your fantasy line-up:
Consider the match-ups, and then get your starting team in there. Make sure the stat tracker is up on the screen so you can run in and check it during commercials. Don't minimize it, just leave it up on the screen. Sign off of Instanst Messanger, there is no time for chit-chat today, let people know you won't be online on sundays from Sept.-Jan. between the hours of 1pm-1130pm.

5) Food Organization and Preparation:
By now you should already know who's getting what. It's important to rotate it on a weekly basis so the same people aren't always buying the more expensive stuff. The essentials include a piazza of your choice. The domino's 5 dollar pizza's is a good idea if you have a group of three or more. Everyone gets their own pie which is good because then you can get whatever you want on it and it wont effect anyone else. Back when I was watching games with my father, he felt the need to get sheet pizza's and make half of it mushroom, then only eat 2 slices. No vegetable platters, we're not watching the Oscars, this is football. Must be chips of some sort, tortillia, sour-cream and onion, BBQ, Ruffles, the list goes on. Salsa also is a nice thing to have on the spread. Chicken wings are a must. An assortment of Hot, mild and BBQ should satisfy everyone's inner lust for sinful bites of pleasure. Meatballs in a crockpot ALWAYS goes good. You can eat them as is, or put them in a roll if you prefer a "hero". The Taco salad dip is delicious assuming someone can make it correctly! If you can't don't ruin the day by giving everyone a stomach virus.

7:30 - 8:30 : The hour of recuperation

Ok, you made it through two games and feel yourself about to tap out from the over indulgence of hot meats and cheeses. You have two options here. One, you can take an hour power nap if you really think you can't keep the eyes open through the next game. Two, turn on ESPN and watch the most exciting hour of television as Chris Berman brings you NFL Primetime which will undoubtedly include that music that only the buffalo bills get for their games. This is a nice option because it segues right into the 830 game which is usally one of the best games of the week. After that, it's bed time. You deserve a nice rest after your hard day's work but be careful, the work week and monday are just a much needed trip to the toilet away....

WEST COAST

Night Before:

1) So, you're a big drinker huh? Someone who prides themself on being able to put down vodka by the quart. Well, if you want to enjoy your football sunday, leave your pride at home saturday night. After completing a full football season on the "left coast", I speak from hard earned experience. I'm an irish-italian who thought saturday night before football should be celebrated! I should go out with me mates and toast to this week of NFL football.... I was wrong. When the alarm goes off at 930am (half hour from kick-off) and you're so hung over your body is numb, you see a lot of haze, and you smell like Ted Kennedy's undershorts, you realize then what a long day you're in for. Then factor in 5 Drew Bledsoe sacks, IN THE FIRST HALF, the bills kicker shanking 35 yarders, an obnoxious Jets fan (aka STEVEN WHITE) throwing his win in your face and a Bengles fan (Tim Brenner) reminding you Drew Bledsoe was sacked 5 times, IN THE FIRST HALF and that there's no argument that can be made against Tom Brady and you have yourself one hell of a day...... and it's not EVEN NOON YET... ok I got a little carried away (and I love my friends and the rivalries we create)... All I'm saying is you'll enjoy your morning a lot more if there's not a polka band in your head and your breath doesn't smell like New Orleans bath water (too soon for that?).

2) Now let's talk about the protocol for the west coast guy finding a lady friend on saturday night. There is soooo much less room for error here. You know what, it's just not worth it! If the hog needs some attention fellas, do it friday night. Really lower your standards and make something happen Friday night. If you bring a "fine piece" home with you on saturday night, do you really think you'll have her out of there by 10am?? HUH? NO WAY. And like I said before, you go to her place, there won't be an alarm set and with the first games going from 10am to 1pm you could easily sleep right through it. Keep it in your pants, end the night with a kiss on the cheek and ask her to hang on next FRIDAY. (as you read this, it might occur to you that Keith might be a tad bitter because, no matter what time of year, he doesn't have success on saturday nights).

3) Set your fantasy team the night before then just do a quick overview the next morning to see if there's any game time changes. If you try to set the line-ups in the AM you might end rushing through it and make hasty decisions. Let sunday morning be for double checking, not decision making.

WEST COAST WAKE UP

9:00-9:30am

Some where in the range is when you need to be up by. People like myself who get butterflies, are usually up by nine. I strongly encourage you to lean more towards the nine rather than nine-thirty. Now you can save time by showering at half-time. Shower is not the priority here (assuming you flollowed my saturday night advice). Address the fantasy team, then begin preparing your preliminary food spread. Now because kickoff is at 10:00am there is no need to even think about something like "church". There just is no time unless you want to hit up the 7am Mass which is just ridiculous both because it's 7am and it's catholism (excuse the brief editorial).

FOOD:

Start light. Your body is in for a long day, so get the stomach going with something light and breakfast like. Like any muscle, you must stretch before you run, the stomach, my friends, is no different. Grab a bowl of ceral, maybe an egg or two or my uncle's before mentioned McDonalds Breakfast Burrito. By halftime, you can get crackin' on the menu I described in the "east coast" section of food preparation.

430-530: KEEP IT GOIN'

This is where it finally pays off to live on the pacific. While all of your friends back east are dozing off because the day is fading, us westerners are just starting to peak. We finally have woken up and ready for the encore game. Keep the feasting going as you watch Primetime and maintain a good energy level because when the last game of the night ends, you still have plenty of time to sleep because it's only 830!! You may have had to get up early on one of your few days to sleep in, but you can get a good nights rest because you don't have to stay up until midnight to see the end of the last game. Both coasts have pro's and con's but the important thing is, THE GAMES.

CONCLUSION

Well there you have it. I hope this can be of some use to all of you out there. Football season comes slow and goes by fast so make the best of it. I'm really looking forward to this season. That will probably change after the first quarter of the Bills game in week 1. But, for now, I'm pumped. All of the things I have mentioned in this post should prove to you that football sunday is more than just games, it's an event. NFL sundays are a celebration of culture, a glorification of everything American, a cornicopia of condiments and cardinal sins, a fiesta of foolishness, the holy grail of dietary disregard, the sunami of say goodbye to slimness, the.... I think that's enough. Enjoy the season.... you can find me at "The Castillian" a taste of the slums in an otherwise nice surburban municipality.

HIKE!

K

Out with the old, Bring in the young?

Wow, it's been a long time since I've written on this thing. I stay away from "Keith updates" on the blog, but I'm still working at Nickelodeon as a peon and I'm still doing stand-up comedy which has been going well. You can see videos at www.vaughnhannon.com/keith. I plan on having my own website up soon, and you will be able to get more in tune to what I'm up to through that.... Anyways...

Lately I've been finding myself in a weird place. I wrote before about the after college experience and how it's a struggle, but I'm going to take it a different direction. I'm 23 years old and most of my friends are of the same age. I find people going in two directions. First, there are the people who seem to feel the urgency to "settle down" and make bigger decisions both socially and occupationally. Then there are people who want to keep a young frame of mind, have no obligations to others and just do what THEY want with their life and be independent of what others are doing. That's the scenario, the fork in the road so to speak. Which direction does one take? Can you take both? Can you not take either?

What I do know is that everyone seems to have a strong opinion regarding the other. If you're married, you love it and you think those who don't want marriage are wandering aimlessly because you've found all that's important in life. If you're the other type you look at people getting married at a young age as fools who are ruining the prime of their life and missing major opportunities life has to offer. We seem more worried about disproving the other and talking about those other people, than we are validating our own decisions. But should there even be a need for validation? I think not.

We're scared. We get out of school, the folks are no longer lingering over us covering our bodies with that security blanket, we're frightened. We're afraid to be alone, afraid of the unknown, afraid to fail. But why does it matter? Why are we so insecure about what lies ahead. Is it because our lives is nothing like we envisioned it would be 10 years ago. I was suppose to be a pro baseball player! What the hell happened to that plan? Son of a bitch. This fear hamstrings many people. It holds us back from pursuing our dreams. We're in a fragile state and rejection could push us over the edge. We all deal with it in different ways.

So there's the fork, which way to go? Some pick a direction, some turn and go home, because both directions are scary, we know the way back, we've been there, we know what to expect. Here's the deal, back is the only wrong choice. We can't stop ourselves from growing, we have to embrace change. And no matter which kind of person you are, it's important to set a goal and choose a direction. Going back is safe, but it's monotonous and unfulfilling. This is no time for anyone to play it safe. You wanna take a chance and get hitched, do it. You wanna run off to the other side of the country and try to hit it big, do it. Maybe D.A.R.E. class was poured on a little thick. "Just say NO" is a phrase we heard in our sleep, and "no" is a word we're afraid to hear.

Whatever it is you choose, do it with confidence, do it with pride. As far as anyone can prove, we get one shot at this life. Don't get cheated. Don't live in the past and don't dwell on the horror of the unknown. Don't try to live someone else's life, it's not yours to live. All you can do is strive to do what makes you eternally happy. That's going to differ for all of us. But search hard within yourself and admit what that true happiness is, what you really want to do before it's all over. Because, you other 20+ year olds, it will end. Now is the time to erase regret and embrace ambition. Let's not spend time on petty differences and worrying about your friends. They chose their path, let them go. Choose yours and go get it. No one is going to carry you to where you wanna go. There's no card you pick up that advances you to boardwalk so you can buy it instantly. You have to fight through the whole board.

I guess what I've concluded is that we get one chance and once chance only. Our lives are in our own hands and we can't just sit around like there's something else. There isn't. No matter what you do with your existence make sure you really attack your passions. Everyone's passion is different, just make sure it's your one true desire. Go get it and live it. There's a religious saying "Where will you be when Jesus comes back?" Well, I don't know if he's going to. But the question you can ask yourself is "what will I have done when my time is up?" Can you pass on in a state of peaceful contentment with a smile of satisfaction; or will you be in a rocking chair, miserable that your life passed you by and you're grasping at the straws of the "afterlife"? Stop talking, and choose....choose wisely.

White: Plain and Dull

I'm white and it sucks. All through college I heard lectures after lectures about how the white man owes everyone. We enslaved, we cheated, and now we have to fix it. It's like when you play a prank on a school teacher, and you apologize and pay her back by washing the chalkboard, but she never gives you a good grade again. I can apologize and try give other races opportunities, but they're always gonna hate the whiteness.

For hundreds upon hundreds of years, the white skins were on top. And now in the 21st century, as I'm coming into the prime of my life, the world has decided that I suck. Not only do I suck, but I've sucked for a long time. I am the member of a racial group that has enslaved the planet. Even more specifically, I'm a white American. Americans use to be coveted, now, hated. The European nations have all turned on us, except Britain, but they're just afraid to oppose us because last time they did we kicked their prancy asses out of North America. The white man is alone, out numbered and payin' for it on an every day basis.

During class at college, when you're learning about world history, you can just feel the eyes of the non-white students bearing down on you during the lecture. As the professor lectures about what terrible things my fellow pale people have done. It's really not fair, I didn't kick out the Indians! The British did. I'm not english, I'm Italian, Irish, Swedish, and Norwegian. We stayed out of that mess! BUT because I'm white, I put the NA's on reservations. Is that not profiling? Does the color of my skin not lead to an assumption of world dominance? The Irish have been beaten around just as much as anyone else. So I won't be playing any violins in anyone else's direction. The Brits beat, raped, and pillaged us for decades.

Other white people go right along with this. Many openly reject their own heritage, and who can blame them? Let's look at some stereotypes in our society right now:

African American:
+ .... Good athletes, good physique, good dancers, jazz music, stylish, hip-hop, cultured, large penis
- ..... lazy

gotts tell ya, I like this, as a 22 year old, this goes great with my plan in life

Asian American:
+.... Dr.'s, scientists, wealthy, healthy diet, good cars, strong family structure, kareoke
-.... small

again, a pretty good situation when you get right down to it, I could use more of what they got going on

Middle Eastern:
+.... Dr's, small business owners, quickie-mart owners (I could live off slush-puppies)
-..... Terrorists

ok, this is a tough one, right now it's not the best look, BUT you have MORE opportunities because people are afraid to say no to you because they don't want you to think they're racist AHH HAA!!

Native American

+...... Casinos, magic powers. Dances With Wolves, comfortable footwear, natural medicines
-....... ??? (the whole "savage" phase is past, I don't think anyone bothers to stereotype Native Americans, they've been through enough)

My friend Andy recently informed us that Indian run casinos brought in over 3 billion last year... are we all square on the Manhattan trade yet or what? I personally have lost a couple hundred at their establishments... I would love to live on these casino grounds, all the golf I can handle!

AND NOW.....

White:

+.... "in charge", elite, somewhat good in all areas, (like mario, in mario bros. 2)
-.... Oppressive, can't dance, can't jump, war hungry, snobby country club types, "not smooth", no culture just white, got to where they are based on killing others and taking their land, racists, boring, no style, "the enemy", "the man", bigots, gluttons, only good at hockey,

I want out! I want to be cool! I want to be liked! I didn't ask to be white! it's what I was born as! Pleeeeaaase, help me. Can I get some sort of affirmative action on the dance floor? Like a girl has to dance with me for 10 minutes before she rejects me? Can't the cracker get a break??
I'm 22, by the time I'm 40, can you imagine how much the deck will be stacked against me? It's over, I might as well cash it in now.

The world has spoken, white just isn't good or exciting anymore. Everybody wants soul, lil' hip-hop up in the joint. I can't compete with that I'm a man that's stuck with the label that's been applied, like a can of tomato soup that wrongly says "cream of celery". I must carry on in this cruel world. Keep walking forward until my revolution has come full circle.... just in time for my great, great grand kids. Well hey, at least the whitey's will always have the NHL....... ahhh shit..

Someone Shoot Cupid

Well it's February 14th... Yeah. The lovers holiday, the day of love, when romance fills the media and office space everywhere in America. A day of candy, flowers, stuffed bears and kisses. But for others, it's a day they're reminded of how alone they are. Of ex-lovers, heartbreak, solitude, and despair. And then... There's me. Someone that's somewhere in the middle of these two. Personally, I think the day is a crock. Another commercialized holiday that fuels America's fading economy. I'm not bitter when it comes to love, just angry towards those who celebrate this day. Whether you're the over zealous in love type, or the sad, lonely and angry type, you rub me the wrong way.
Those who embrace this holiday with extreme exuberance are sad, sad people. Sure we all love compliments and we enjoy being liked, but people love for it to be such a scene on valentines day. The flowers come into the office you hear shouts of "aww somebody loves me!".. You didn't know that by now!? I got news for you ladies, if it feels so special to be loved on V-day, you may not really have that great of a relationship. Why? Because it shouldn't be such a thrill to get a gift on valentines day. Guys feel obligated to do it, and that well known obligation should have ended this holiday long ago. Feel special when you get a dozen roses on April 11th. That day has no national significance, no one else next to you will be getting anything, then, when your gift shows up, that's when you should feel good. Someone was thinking about you on a day when the country WASNT saying "BUY FLOWERS FOR THE LADY". Why does anyone feel more loved on valentines day? It doesn't make any sense. I am not anti-love, love is great. I like to see people happy. However, it just looks so fake to see everyone happy during valentines day. The look of necessary reassurance in someone's face does settle right with me. I think it's good people feel happy and "loved". But I think there are too many material lovers out there, and this is their holiday, not the true romancers holiday.
Then, there are the people who use valentines day as a reason to celebrate the fact they aren't with someone and aren't in love. They think they're making a unique stand by going out and drinking with their other single friends. They will often refer to it as "singles night out" or something else to church up the fact that they're not in a relationship. They try to make us feel like they're having more fun being single then we are with our significant others. Well I have news for you people, you're no better then the 45 year old man who sits at the bar sipping scotch night in and night out because of how his life has turned out. Sure you're not as desperate, but come on, don't act like you enjoy being single, no one does. There are people who don't like relationships, but even they would like to spend the evening with someone. But, I will say, if you fall into this catergory, it isn't your fault. America has forced us all to feel like we need to be with someone on this 14th day of the second month.
Who is the government to tell us that we should celebrate love on any specific day of the year? It's ridiculous! Love creates just as much pain as it does happiness throughout someone's life. As a whole, I'd say it's been more cruel than blissful to people in this nation. Half the people are walking around hating the day, the others THINKING they love it, and then the select few who are truly in love go out of their way to act more conservative because they know it's just another day since they take the time to express love every day.
It's a tough balance, part of me thinks there should be more emotional holidays that remind people that human feeling should be the ultimate passion of every humanbeing. Instead of focusing all your energy on working for a living, worshipping a god, or staying healthy, take the time to express more affection. But the more common it becomes the less significant it gets, like any fad does. I guess it's sad to look at love as a fad. It seems to me love is far too complicated to make a holiday. How can we possibly say we understand what we're celebrating?? If you can get up on the 14th of February and say, "this is what love is".... you'll be broken up with the person within 2 months... you can quote me on that...

Where's the Advil? : A mid-20's Life Crisis

It's 815am, my alarm is going off. "OUCH" I say, as I climb out of bed, holding my head, on another sunny Friday morning in Los Angeles, California. No I'm not hurting just because it's early, I'm hurting because I'm hung over. Like any other Friday morning, I have an atmosphere of aroma around me that resembles a Ted Kennedy under-shirt. The clothes I was wearing the night before are bunched up next to the bed and empty bottles of water sit on the night stand after my futile attempt to re-hydrate before passing out.
It has recently occurred to me that I'm having, what some people would say, a difficult time moving on past college. When school ended I figured it was time to finally become an adult. Go to work during the day, come home, put on my smoking jacket and have a pipe while I enjoy a southern comfort on the rocks all while reading the evening paper. I'd have a pet dog, a golden retriever, that would sit by my side. He would be called "Brutus" and we would hunt goose together. By 10pm I would put on my pj's with night cap, and of course one of those eye masks to ensure total darkness and sound sleep.
Instead I find the need to head out on the town every Thursday...Friday....Saturday... Occasionally a Tuesday.... Sunday if there's a Monday holiday... And any other night that someone may have a reason to celebrate. (not that an excuse is necessary, but at least my ass is covered when I tell my story to the nice people at "A.A.") I get up and look in the mirror and shake my head thinking "what are you?". A simple question without a definite answer. What have I become? Well it's not what I've become, it's what all "men" my age have become. We represent a growing population. You've undoubtedly heard of men going through a "mid-life crisis". Well I propose that the mid-life period of a man's life, is not the first time a crisis hits. I hereby officially recognize, the "mid-20's life crisis".
College was bliss. No responsibilities, no expectations, no sobriety. We played recreational sports, watched pro-sports, ate delivery food for lunch, and drank our dinners. We graced many a lady with our presence, and they graced us with immediate departure. We were everything we ever wanted to be.....Nothing. No one told us to go to work, no one told us to eat better, no one told us not to be wreckless. Our only parental guidance came from the City of Ithaca Judicial system, and they usually could be bought off by paying a "fine".
Now look at us. The group is broken. Scattered around the country as life starts to play its game of divide and conquer. As one, we were a force, now as individuals struggling to tred water in the ocean of life, we are facing defeat. So how do we rally? Well we know we can't recreate college, but we can come damn close. We can still drink, HELL, we got more money to spend on booze now because we go to work. Speaking of work, we hate our jobs. They pay just enough to cover the bills and food. Women don't like us, why would they? How many attractive ladies like spending time with men who are whipping boys for TV/Movie studios, drive cars that look like they surfed the Tsunami, and have an income in the same neighborhood as a give/take a penny dish at any gas station quick stop. So where does that leave us? Booze. Our most loyal aquaintance who always makes us feel better.
We're not alcoholics, well, not yet. Sure we night make drunk dials to people we shouldn't and lash out. For example, calling our parents and telling them how throughout our childhood we heard them "doing stuff". Or calling a girl from high school who wouldn't give us the time of day and ask her how many kids she has and what hours she works at Home Depot. We're cornered animals, scared, lost, looking for something that isn't there. We feel our youth slipping away and have countered that by going out on the town MORE than when we were in College.
We look at our beer mugs as not half-empty or half-full, but always full. Because even if we drink all the beer in the mug, the tears we cry while drinking it keep the beverage topped off.
We contemplate prostitution.... both as a consumer and employee. We think things to ourselves like "what happens if I go to sleep tonight, and I don't wake up?". We don't shave, we don't get haircuts. We watch football on Sundays surrounded by pizza, wings, and bad gas. Our belts are undone, and we have a hand in our pants. Our pick-up lines have reached the depths of the following:
1) "I want my tongue in your mouth"
2) " you don't even have to go home with me, just take your top off for a
few seconds and we'll call it even.
3) " Are you a man or a woman?"
4) "oh you're a man, well, I'm no gay..but I'm lonely.. let's go"

We bathe in self-deprecation and shower in our parents disappointment. After all, is this what they shelled out $120,000 for? They expect our degrees to mean things like "full-time job", "benefits", "at least 8 hours a day", "some where you don't wear shorts", "when you go home at night, you shouldn't smell like Courtney Love's shower drain".

But hey, it's just a phase right? Or is it. Only time will tell. As we near our 30's maybe we'll change our ways. We'll settle down, start going to religious single mixers instead of "getting loaded" 4 nights a week. Or maybe we'll finally be successful, and with our wealth we can afford to be burdens on humanity because when you have money, you can do whatever you want. I guess that's the best way to answer the question, "what am I?". I'm a man looking to put myself in a position to do "nothing" my whole life. My God.... it will be beautiful.. next round's on me!