I'm Ready For Some Football
Finally, the NFL preseason is upon us. This year, it came just in time for me. The mets are beginning their annual disappearing act from the playoff picture thus, I'm spending more time at the local saloon in hopes of finding something better. Well friends, that something better is the 2005 football season. Yes, I am a Buffalo Bills fan, which does lend itself to frequent heartache and indigestion (I'm a regular Pepcid AC user from Sept. to Jan.). However, this season I'm feeling optomistic about my teams chances and so should all of you.
The NFL has been the best spectator sport over the past decade and seems to get better every year. With each season brings an unparralled amount of question marks as to who the big winners will be. Every team has a shot, every week any team can win. It has been tough on us gamblers, but rewarding for cities all over the country. Unlike baseball where every year we know the Red Sox and Yankees will be the focal point of the October post-season, the Brewers will suck, Cubs fans will think "this is the year" until May, people will look at the Blue Jays and say "oh yeah, I forgot we had a team in Canada", and of course the city of Detroit can expect more homicides than home runs. You just don't know which teams will rise and which will fall. Last year the San Diego Chargers had a record of 13-3, the previous year, 3-13. That's just one of many examples.
So since your pumped for the season, you went out and bought the new jerseys and have TIVO-ed the preseason broadcasts on the NFL Network, I'm going to tell you how to have a successful sunday afternoon of football. I will also give warnings as to what you should avoid if you want to make it through the day and elude a monday morning "football hangover". I will also break it down for each coast, since west coast preparation and how you sustain, is very different than east coast. Here we go........
East Coast : The Night Before
You're the lucky ones. The game doesn't come early for you. You can expect the first batch of games to kick-off around 1:05pm so you can go out and get rowdy in anticipation of tomorrow's big day. However, there are some guidlines we need to discuss..
1) DO NOT MIX YOUR ALCOHOL:
I know, you're a tough guy, aren't we all. But save yourself the trouble and do not be drinking the "three wisemen" all night. If you end up sick the whole next day you won't be able to see the games when your face is in a toilet and you won't be able to indulge in the cornicopia of food that will be at your finger tips if your stomach is in reverse mode. Drinking beer? Stick with it, that's the best plan. Drinking liquor? Enjoy but don't get nuts it's costly on your head. Drinking Wine? You're gay and don't watch football anyways so do whatever you want...(not that there's anything wrong with that)
2) DO NOT, under any circumstances, SPEND THE NIGHT WITH A LADY:
Yeah, you felt the chemistry all night and things are heating up. Or, the lights are on, bar is closing and she's the last ditch effort on the way out of the bar. Both are fine, but do not go down a road that will have you sleeping over. If you're going to the girls place, make sure someone can get your car there so you can drive after the "activities" have ceased and you've sobered up, or have a friend on call to come back for you. If you sleep over you run the risk of no alarm being set and you don't get to the designated football house of the week on time. Or maybe she wants some morning sex, in which it's very easy to lose track of time. Just don't do it. Committ the dead, then get on your steed. AND certainly do not invite her back to your place because the only thing harder than escaping, is politely kicking out. If she's a long sleeper you could be in for real trouble, especially if all the guys are coming to your place for the game. You do not want her wandering out of the room into a family room of guys, you do not want to have to put on your "love face" in front of that crowd... they will hurt your feelings all day.
East Coast - Sunday Morning
If they're in a groove they could go right through kick-off and eat up most of the first quarter, is your
1) Do not even consider Church:
First of all, you're just going to feel guilty after the stunts you pulled the night before. You don't want to sit in a pue smelling like smoke, booze, and intercourse. Second of all, you never know how long these Priests and Preachers are going to go. If they're in a groove they could go right through kick-off and eat up most of the first quarter, and really, is your soul really that important for you to risk missing the start of the game? And come on, if there is a God, you're telling me he isn't a football fan, I mean honestly. Plus, you have other things you need to concentrate on that morning...
2) Up by 11:00 am:
That's plenty of time to sleep in, especially in comparison for how early you get up for work/class during the week. When you get up, drink lots of water, you need to get your body working because you're about to attack it with the most damaging foods known to man. Have a very, very light breakfast. My uncle Darren had a sunday routine of one McDonalds breakfast burrito. Something like that is small and good for a hang-over.
3) Turn on ESPN:
As soon as you wake (or whenever 11 comes around for you early birds) put on ESPN and allow Berman and the boys to get your day started right. With 2 hours of pregame you won't get more info any where else. Once you get the headlines and important news, head right for the computer....
4) Set your fantasy line-up:
Consider the match-ups, and then get your starting team in there. Make sure the stat tracker is up on the screen so you can run in and check it during commercials. Don't minimize it, just leave it up on the screen. Sign off of Instanst Messanger, there is no time for chit-chat today, let people know you won't be online on sundays from Sept.-Jan. between the hours of 1pm-1130pm.
5) Food Organization and Preparation:
By now you should already know who's getting what. It's important to rotate it on a weekly basis so the same people aren't always buying the more expensive stuff. The essentials include a piazza of your choice. The domino's 5 dollar pizza's is a good idea if you have a group of three or more. Everyone gets their own pie which is good because then you can get whatever you want on it and it wont effect anyone else. Back when I was watching games with my father, he felt the need to get sheet pizza's and make half of it mushroom, then only eat 2 slices. No vegetable platters, we're not watching the Oscars, this is football. Must be chips of some sort, tortillia, sour-cream and onion, BBQ, Ruffles, the list goes on. Salsa also is a nice thing to have on the spread. Chicken wings are a must. An assortment of Hot, mild and BBQ should satisfy everyone's inner lust for sinful bites of pleasure. Meatballs in a crockpot ALWAYS goes good. You can eat them as is, or put them in a roll if you prefer a "hero". The Taco salad dip is delicious assuming someone can make it correctly! If you can't don't ruin the day by giving everyone a stomach virus.
7:30 - 8:30 : The hour of recuperation
Ok, you made it through two games and feel yourself about to tap out from the over indulgence of hot meats and cheeses. You have two options here. One, you can take an hour power nap if you really think you can't keep the eyes open through the next game. Two, turn on ESPN and watch the most exciting hour of television as Chris Berman brings you NFL Primetime which will undoubtedly include that music that only the buffalo bills get for their games. This is a nice option because it segues right into the 830 game which is usally one of the best games of the week. After that, it's bed time. You deserve a nice rest after your hard day's work but be careful, the work week and monday are just a much needed trip to the toilet away....
WEST COAST
Night Before:
1) So, you're a big drinker huh? Someone who prides themself on being able to put down vodka by the quart. Well, if you want to enjoy your football sunday, leave your pride at home saturday night. After completing a full football season on the "left coast", I speak from hard earned experience. I'm an irish-italian who thought saturday night before football should be celebrated! I should go out with me mates and toast to this week of NFL football.... I was wrong. When the alarm goes off at 930am (half hour from kick-off) and you're so hung over your body is numb, you see a lot of haze, and you smell like Ted Kennedy's undershorts, you realize then what a long day you're in for. Then factor in 5 Drew Bledsoe sacks, IN THE FIRST HALF, the bills kicker shanking 35 yarders, an obnoxious Jets fan (aka STEVEN WHITE) throwing his win in your face and a Bengles fan (Tim Brenner) reminding you Drew Bledsoe was sacked 5 times, IN THE FIRST HALF and that there's no argument that can be made against Tom Brady and you have yourself one hell of a day...... and it's not EVEN NOON YET... ok I got a little carried away (and I love my friends and the rivalries we create)... All I'm saying is you'll enjoy your morning a lot more if there's not a polka band in your head and your breath doesn't smell like New Orleans bath water (too soon for that?).
2) Now let's talk about the protocol for the west coast guy finding a lady friend on saturday night. There is soooo much less room for error here. You know what, it's just not worth it! If the hog needs some attention fellas, do it friday night. Really lower your standards and make something happen Friday night. If you bring a "fine piece" home with you on saturday night, do you really think you'll have her out of there by 10am?? HUH? NO WAY. And like I said before, you go to her place, there won't be an alarm set and with the first games going from 10am to 1pm you could easily sleep right through it. Keep it in your pants, end the night with a kiss on the cheek and ask her to hang on next FRIDAY. (as you read this, it might occur to you that Keith might be a tad bitter because, no matter what time of year, he doesn't have success on saturday nights).
3) Set your fantasy team the night before then just do a quick overview the next morning to see if there's any game time changes. If you try to set the line-ups in the AM you might end rushing through it and make hasty decisions. Let sunday morning be for double checking, not decision making.
WEST COAST WAKE UP
9:00-9:30am
Some where in the range is when you need to be up by. People like myself who get butterflies, are usually up by nine. I strongly encourage you to lean more towards the nine rather than nine-thirty. Now you can save time by showering at half-time. Shower is not the priority here (assuming you flollowed my saturday night advice). Address the fantasy team, then begin preparing your preliminary food spread. Now because kickoff is at 10:00am there is no need to even think about something like "church". There just is no time unless you want to hit up the 7am Mass which is just ridiculous both because it's 7am and it's catholism (excuse the brief editorial).
FOOD:
Start light. Your body is in for a long day, so get the stomach going with something light and breakfast like. Like any muscle, you must stretch before you run, the stomach, my friends, is no different. Grab a bowl of ceral, maybe an egg or two or my uncle's before mentioned McDonalds Breakfast Burrito. By halftime, you can get crackin' on the menu I described in the "east coast" section of food preparation.
430-530: KEEP IT GOIN'
This is where it finally pays off to live on the pacific. While all of your friends back east are dozing off because the day is fading, us westerners are just starting to peak. We finally have woken up and ready for the encore game. Keep the feasting going as you watch Primetime and maintain a good energy level because when the last game of the night ends, you still have plenty of time to sleep because it's only 830!! You may have had to get up early on one of your few days to sleep in, but you can get a good nights rest because you don't have to stay up until midnight to see the end of the last game. Both coasts have pro's and con's but the important thing is, THE GAMES.
CONCLUSION
Well there you have it. I hope this can be of some use to all of you out there. Football season comes slow and goes by fast so make the best of it. I'm really looking forward to this season. That will probably change after the first quarter of the Bills game in week 1. But, for now, I'm pumped. All of the things I have mentioned in this post should prove to you that football sunday is more than just games, it's an event. NFL sundays are a celebration of culture, a glorification of everything American, a cornicopia of condiments and cardinal sins, a fiesta of foolishness, the holy grail of dietary disregard, the sunami of say goodbye to slimness, the.... I think that's enough. Enjoy the season.... you can find me at "The Castillian" a taste of the slums in an otherwise nice surburban municipality.
HIKE!
K
The NFL has been the best spectator sport over the past decade and seems to get better every year. With each season brings an unparralled amount of question marks as to who the big winners will be. Every team has a shot, every week any team can win. It has been tough on us gamblers, but rewarding for cities all over the country. Unlike baseball where every year we know the Red Sox and Yankees will be the focal point of the October post-season, the Brewers will suck, Cubs fans will think "this is the year" until May, people will look at the Blue Jays and say "oh yeah, I forgot we had a team in Canada", and of course the city of Detroit can expect more homicides than home runs. You just don't know which teams will rise and which will fall. Last year the San Diego Chargers had a record of 13-3, the previous year, 3-13. That's just one of many examples.
So since your pumped for the season, you went out and bought the new jerseys and have TIVO-ed the preseason broadcasts on the NFL Network, I'm going to tell you how to have a successful sunday afternoon of football. I will also give warnings as to what you should avoid if you want to make it through the day and elude a monday morning "football hangover". I will also break it down for each coast, since west coast preparation and how you sustain, is very different than east coast. Here we go........
East Coast : The Night Before
You're the lucky ones. The game doesn't come early for you. You can expect the first batch of games to kick-off around 1:05pm so you can go out and get rowdy in anticipation of tomorrow's big day. However, there are some guidlines we need to discuss..
1) DO NOT MIX YOUR ALCOHOL:
I know, you're a tough guy, aren't we all. But save yourself the trouble and do not be drinking the "three wisemen" all night. If you end up sick the whole next day you won't be able to see the games when your face is in a toilet and you won't be able to indulge in the cornicopia of food that will be at your finger tips if your stomach is in reverse mode. Drinking beer? Stick with it, that's the best plan. Drinking liquor? Enjoy but don't get nuts it's costly on your head. Drinking Wine? You're gay and don't watch football anyways so do whatever you want...(not that there's anything wrong with that)
2) DO NOT, under any circumstances, SPEND THE NIGHT WITH A LADY:
Yeah, you felt the chemistry all night and things are heating up. Or, the lights are on, bar is closing and she's the last ditch effort on the way out of the bar. Both are fine, but do not go down a road that will have you sleeping over. If you're going to the girls place, make sure someone can get your car there so you can drive after the "activities" have ceased and you've sobered up, or have a friend on call to come back for you. If you sleep over you run the risk of no alarm being set and you don't get to the designated football house of the week on time. Or maybe she wants some morning sex, in which it's very easy to lose track of time. Just don't do it. Committ the dead, then get on your steed. AND certainly do not invite her back to your place because the only thing harder than escaping, is politely kicking out. If she's a long sleeper you could be in for real trouble, especially if all the guys are coming to your place for the game. You do not want her wandering out of the room into a family room of guys, you do not want to have to put on your "love face" in front of that crowd... they will hurt your feelings all day.
East Coast - Sunday Morning
If they're in a groove they could go right through kick-off and eat up most of the first quarter, is your
1) Do not even consider Church:
First of all, you're just going to feel guilty after the stunts you pulled the night before. You don't want to sit in a pue smelling like smoke, booze, and intercourse. Second of all, you never know how long these Priests and Preachers are going to go. If they're in a groove they could go right through kick-off and eat up most of the first quarter, and really, is your soul really that important for you to risk missing the start of the game? And come on, if there is a God, you're telling me he isn't a football fan, I mean honestly. Plus, you have other things you need to concentrate on that morning...
2) Up by 11:00 am:
That's plenty of time to sleep in, especially in comparison for how early you get up for work/class during the week. When you get up, drink lots of water, you need to get your body working because you're about to attack it with the most damaging foods known to man. Have a very, very light breakfast. My uncle Darren had a sunday routine of one McDonalds breakfast burrito. Something like that is small and good for a hang-over.
3) Turn on ESPN:
As soon as you wake (or whenever 11 comes around for you early birds) put on ESPN and allow Berman and the boys to get your day started right. With 2 hours of pregame you won't get more info any where else. Once you get the headlines and important news, head right for the computer....
4) Set your fantasy line-up:
Consider the match-ups, and then get your starting team in there. Make sure the stat tracker is up on the screen so you can run in and check it during commercials. Don't minimize it, just leave it up on the screen. Sign off of Instanst Messanger, there is no time for chit-chat today, let people know you won't be online on sundays from Sept.-Jan. between the hours of 1pm-1130pm.
5) Food Organization and Preparation:
By now you should already know who's getting what. It's important to rotate it on a weekly basis so the same people aren't always buying the more expensive stuff. The essentials include a piazza of your choice. The domino's 5 dollar pizza's is a good idea if you have a group of three or more. Everyone gets their own pie which is good because then you can get whatever you want on it and it wont effect anyone else. Back when I was watching games with my father, he felt the need to get sheet pizza's and make half of it mushroom, then only eat 2 slices. No vegetable platters, we're not watching the Oscars, this is football. Must be chips of some sort, tortillia, sour-cream and onion, BBQ, Ruffles, the list goes on. Salsa also is a nice thing to have on the spread. Chicken wings are a must. An assortment of Hot, mild and BBQ should satisfy everyone's inner lust for sinful bites of pleasure. Meatballs in a crockpot ALWAYS goes good. You can eat them as is, or put them in a roll if you prefer a "hero". The Taco salad dip is delicious assuming someone can make it correctly! If you can't don't ruin the day by giving everyone a stomach virus.
7:30 - 8:30 : The hour of recuperation
Ok, you made it through two games and feel yourself about to tap out from the over indulgence of hot meats and cheeses. You have two options here. One, you can take an hour power nap if you really think you can't keep the eyes open through the next game. Two, turn on ESPN and watch the most exciting hour of television as Chris Berman brings you NFL Primetime which will undoubtedly include that music that only the buffalo bills get for their games. This is a nice option because it segues right into the 830 game which is usally one of the best games of the week. After that, it's bed time. You deserve a nice rest after your hard day's work but be careful, the work week and monday are just a much needed trip to the toilet away....
WEST COAST
Night Before:
1) So, you're a big drinker huh? Someone who prides themself on being able to put down vodka by the quart. Well, if you want to enjoy your football sunday, leave your pride at home saturday night. After completing a full football season on the "left coast", I speak from hard earned experience. I'm an irish-italian who thought saturday night before football should be celebrated! I should go out with me mates and toast to this week of NFL football.... I was wrong. When the alarm goes off at 930am (half hour from kick-off) and you're so hung over your body is numb, you see a lot of haze, and you smell like Ted Kennedy's undershorts, you realize then what a long day you're in for. Then factor in 5 Drew Bledsoe sacks, IN THE FIRST HALF, the bills kicker shanking 35 yarders, an obnoxious Jets fan (aka STEVEN WHITE) throwing his win in your face and a Bengles fan (Tim Brenner) reminding you Drew Bledsoe was sacked 5 times, IN THE FIRST HALF and that there's no argument that can be made against Tom Brady and you have yourself one hell of a day...... and it's not EVEN NOON YET... ok I got a little carried away (and I love my friends and the rivalries we create)... All I'm saying is you'll enjoy your morning a lot more if there's not a polka band in your head and your breath doesn't smell like New Orleans bath water (too soon for that?).
2) Now let's talk about the protocol for the west coast guy finding a lady friend on saturday night. There is soooo much less room for error here. You know what, it's just not worth it! If the hog needs some attention fellas, do it friday night. Really lower your standards and make something happen Friday night. If you bring a "fine piece" home with you on saturday night, do you really think you'll have her out of there by 10am?? HUH? NO WAY. And like I said before, you go to her place, there won't be an alarm set and with the first games going from 10am to 1pm you could easily sleep right through it. Keep it in your pants, end the night with a kiss on the cheek and ask her to hang on next FRIDAY. (as you read this, it might occur to you that Keith might be a tad bitter because, no matter what time of year, he doesn't have success on saturday nights).
3) Set your fantasy team the night before then just do a quick overview the next morning to see if there's any game time changes. If you try to set the line-ups in the AM you might end rushing through it and make hasty decisions. Let sunday morning be for double checking, not decision making.
WEST COAST WAKE UP
9:00-9:30am
Some where in the range is when you need to be up by. People like myself who get butterflies, are usually up by nine. I strongly encourage you to lean more towards the nine rather than nine-thirty. Now you can save time by showering at half-time. Shower is not the priority here (assuming you flollowed my saturday night advice). Address the fantasy team, then begin preparing your preliminary food spread. Now because kickoff is at 10:00am there is no need to even think about something like "church". There just is no time unless you want to hit up the 7am Mass which is just ridiculous both because it's 7am and it's catholism (excuse the brief editorial).
FOOD:
Start light. Your body is in for a long day, so get the stomach going with something light and breakfast like. Like any muscle, you must stretch before you run, the stomach, my friends, is no different. Grab a bowl of ceral, maybe an egg or two or my uncle's before mentioned McDonalds Breakfast Burrito. By halftime, you can get crackin' on the menu I described in the "east coast" section of food preparation.
430-530: KEEP IT GOIN'
This is where it finally pays off to live on the pacific. While all of your friends back east are dozing off because the day is fading, us westerners are just starting to peak. We finally have woken up and ready for the encore game. Keep the feasting going as you watch Primetime and maintain a good energy level because when the last game of the night ends, you still have plenty of time to sleep because it's only 830!! You may have had to get up early on one of your few days to sleep in, but you can get a good nights rest because you don't have to stay up until midnight to see the end of the last game. Both coasts have pro's and con's but the important thing is, THE GAMES.
CONCLUSION
Well there you have it. I hope this can be of some use to all of you out there. Football season comes slow and goes by fast so make the best of it. I'm really looking forward to this season. That will probably change after the first quarter of the Bills game in week 1. But, for now, I'm pumped. All of the things I have mentioned in this post should prove to you that football sunday is more than just games, it's an event. NFL sundays are a celebration of culture, a glorification of everything American, a cornicopia of condiments and cardinal sins, a fiesta of foolishness, the holy grail of dietary disregard, the sunami of say goodbye to slimness, the.... I think that's enough. Enjoy the season.... you can find me at "The Castillian" a taste of the slums in an otherwise nice surburban municipality.
HIKE!
K
posted by Keith "the leg" Hannon at 12:05 PM
2 Comments:
J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS
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